Home Satire The Night Before Christmas

The Night Before Christmas


It was the night before Christmas, and all through the abode,

Everyone was snoozing after some big fat bong loads.

The stockings were hung, packed full of weed,

In the hopes that some dope stoners would soon come and see.

The children were in their rooms, snuggled next to Rover,

Because this kind of fun is for 21 and over.

Me and my chick had blazed and chilled with Netflix,

And now we slumbered after a few selfie pics.

Later that night, I was awakened by a ruckus,

That made me leap up and off of my tookus,

I ran to the window and was like WTF?

I soon realized that my high had not yet left.

I threw open the window, high as a kite,

And held onto the window sill, lest I take flight,

I rubbed my eyes to clear away the blurr,

And what do I see? A bumpin’ party bus pulled up to the curb.

The driver got out, looked north and then south,

It was none other than Snoop Dogg, a blunt in his mouth.

He turned to the bus and threw up a hand sign,

And through the blunt smoke, how it did shine.

Out came Willie Nelson, with his signature guitar and hair,

He was followed by a vision of loveliness; Sarah Silverman was there.

Out behind her came the legend, Tommy Chong,

Cradled in his arms, a beautiful triple-perc four foot bong.

The smoke was so thick, I could barely see,

Then I glimpsed Wiz Khalifa, smiling with glee,

I thought surely by now, they have to be done,

But no, out came Cheech Marin, joining the fun.

Then I saw Doug Benson, a joint in his hand,

With him was Joe Rogan, eating deer guts like a man.

There was Melissa Etheridge and her partner, smoking in the moonlight,

And the young Miley Cyrus, dressed to give fright.

But the procession wasn’t done on this magical night,

From the bus came Bob Marley, I couldn’t believe such a sight,

Behind him was Hunter S. Thompson, the great gonzo himself,

In that moment I could not describe how I felt.

But the bus was not done, there was one more to depart,

He was a vision in flowing robes, he seemed to be glowing from his heart,

I turned to my chick by my side and asked “are you seeing this sh*t?”

But all she could do was stare, I could tell she was lit.

Out from the bus, Stoner Jesus did walk,

All turned to look at him, I could no longer talk.

They all started for my door, and I ran down to meet them,

I was less high than before, and eager to greet them.

They all came inside, one after another,

Stoner Jesus was last to enter, he glowed like no other.

The weed smoke was thick, I could smell the chronic well,

Who had the best stuff was impossible to tell.

We smoked and we smoked, we blazed it all night,

At some point Bob Marley himself told me it would be alright.

I was so baked, having the time of my life,

When sunlight began to stream in, cutting the smoke like a knife,

Stoner Jesus stood on a table, making quite a fuss,

He said “That’s it for the night, asses back on the bus,”

The legends then left, and the bus disappeared out of sight,

Leaving me to wonder, did I see all of that right?

No time to wonder, back to bed for a nap,

Before the kids wake up, wanting their presents and crap.